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Title: The Privilege of Resolving Relationship Conflict Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL:
http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 731 Category:
Relationships
THE PRIVILEGE OF RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT By Margaret
Paul, Ph.D.
In a phone session I had with Shelly and Stan, a couple who have
been together for six years, they described to me a conflict
they had the day before. Stan had become irritated with Shelly
and Shelly had responded to his irritation by withdrawing. This
was a typical dynamic between them, and the distance would often
continue for days until they finally talked about it or until
the charged energy just dissipated. Neither was happy with the
distance, yet generally both waited for the other to reach out.
In this particular conflict, Shelly decided that she didn’t want
days of distance, so she went to Stan and apologized for her end
of the conflict and told him that she wanted to feel close to
him rather than be distant. Stan softened and they were able to
quickly move through the conflict.
However, when Shelly told me about this, she complained that she
was usually the one who reached out and that it “wasn’t fair.”
She didn’t like it that Stan often waited and stewed for days.
“Shelly,” I asked, “How did you feel when you were able to reach
out and heal the distance between you?”
“I felt good. I felt relieved.”
“Stan, how did you feel waiting and pouting?” I asked.
“I felt awful.”
“Shelly, maybe you can reframe your concept of reaching out. I
believe that reaching out is a privilege. When I reach out, I
move myself out of feeling like a victim and into my power. I
like who I am when I reach out, and I don’t like myself at all
if I stew and fume and blame and wait for the other person to
apologize. Even if I believe that the other person is totally at
fault, waiting for them to reach out feels awful. If the other
person has really behaved badly, somewhere within they are not
feeling good about it, even if they are still angry with me.
When I move into compassion for the wounded part of them rather
than staying stuck in my own righteousness, I feel peaceful
within rather than in turmoil.
“So, instead of keep score regarding who reaches out, why not
jump at the opportunity to move into your own personal power by
being the one to reach out? Why not be in gratitude that you
have the privilege of practicing being a loving and
compassionate person?”
“Wow!” responded Shelly. “I never thought of it that way! I like
that! I always do feel great when I let go of blame and open my
heart. Seeing this as I ‘get’ to be the one to reach out rather
than I ‘have’ to be the one to reach out makes all the
difference!”
“How are you feeling about this Stan?” I asked.
“Well, I can see that I often feel like a victim and it feels
terrible. I get so stuck in being angry and waiting for Shelly
to fix it. I waste days feeling badly. What a waste! And even
when she does finally reach out or we just reconnect because
time has passed, I’m still stuck with some bad feelings. I can
see that I’m choosing to be a victim rather than move into my
power. Somehow, I thought that I was being powerful by being
angry and waiting and I just ended up feeling terrible.”
We are not in power when we are angry and blaming. We are in
power when we are behaving in a way that we value. The more
responsibility we take for the conflict and for the resolution,
the better we feel. There is a Hawaiian Huna prayer, called
Ho’oponopono, that is about taking full 100% responsibility for
everything through all time:
“Divine creator, father, mother, son as one. If I, my family,
relatives and ancestors have offended you, your family,
relatives and ancestors in thoughts, words, deeds and actions
from the beginning of our creation to the present, we ask your
forgiveness. Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut all the
negative memories, blocks, energies and vibrations and transmute
these unwanted energies to pure light. And it is done.”
I have found that when I take full 100% responsibility for any
conflict, regardless of who started it or who I believe is at
fault, I feel wonderful. If I wait for the other person, I feel
terrible. Which do you want?